He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
