please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
