Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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