i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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