Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh god it's open bar.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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