Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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