I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
