college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
