Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
