this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
