Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
