new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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