I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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