why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
