I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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