Kareoke will never be a sober sport
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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