wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
