recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
