Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
