Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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