just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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