Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
