There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
