So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
