It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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