he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Randomize