I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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