I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Shame - the story of my life.
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