why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
