I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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