The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
