Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
