The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
