I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
