dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
