I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
