Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize