I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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