I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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