I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
