I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
