I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I've blown a few things in my day
where does the pee come out of this thing
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
