I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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