I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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