I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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