It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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