i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
