the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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