Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
