He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
