how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
