your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
