he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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