A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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