I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
