everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
