his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
