3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
