I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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