Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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