Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize