I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
